


all alone on the stage tonight

by Mytha



Category: Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)
Genre: Acting, Actors, Angst, Dreams and Nightmares, F/F, Longing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21845026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mytha/pseuds/Mytha
Summary: Valentine's absence haunts Maria during the run of Maloja Snake.
Relationships: Maria Enders & Valentine, Maria Enders/Valentine
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	all alone on the stage tonight

**Author's Note:**

  * For [asuralucier](https://archiveofourown.org/users/asuralucier/gifts).



> Maria Enders is decidedly not self aware - but what if she's getting there finally?

What had possessed her to accept the offer of that young man? That role in this utopian thriller? A half-human hybrid? Please! Maria tries to laugh, but the contempt makes the sound dry in her throat. What is she doing?

It was not supposed to be this way. She was not supposed to feel this way - almost guilty.

She had thought only of herself, only of Sigrid, when she rehearsed Maloja Snake with Val that summer in Switzerland. It had felt like a fight lost. Why was Val's absence the thing that suddenly made her loyalties shift - made her almost despise Sigrid sometimes?

Or was it Jo-Ann that helped her do that. Watching that young actress strutt all over the stage, seeing her vulnerable, full of emotion in their scenes – or frustrated, trying to hit her marks. It made it easy to feel for Sigrid's struggles – but talking to Jo-Ann is nothing like talking to Val. Makes her miss Val. Makes her see that what she was trying to see in Jo-Ann was not there, was only - 

_No._ She stops herself. It is Helena, only Helena getting in her head. It's the part.

_That old spectre._

“No ghosts here.” Rosa had said. 

Maria is not so sure anymore. 

\---

The new script is in her handbag. Piers has left a note - one of many. She feels flattered by his attention. What would Valentine think of her, taking this part? Will she see the film when it is done? Maybe she will and then... would she see it for what it is? An admission of guilt Maria cannot voice. _I am sorry. I miss you. Your opinion matters. I should have listened. I was not ready. Come back?_

This vision of the future will help her through this run of Maloja Snake. She will play Helena. She will give it her all. She will exorcise herself of these parts, Sigrid and Helena both. Letting go is not easy, but it is necessary. She will fight her way through these weeks and then she will go do Piers' film. 

Maria has a drink - then another. She sleeps. Her dreams are restless. Below her she feels the hard ground, the prickly and soft grasses of the Alps. The air is fragrant, herbal, fresh and cold. The sun warms her body. She can sense Valentine near her. So close she could reach out and touch her. She wants to reach out. When she opens her eyes they are both laughing. Val's fingers brush her arm.

Then she is lost in the clouds again. The mountains close in on her. Light fades. The footing grows treacherous. She cannot see. She feels frantic. She looks for Valentine but cannot find her. She feels weaker and weaker until her legs give out under her.

When she wakes she is out of breath and her voice is hoarse. She does not remember screaming.

\---

Tonight Maria remains alone on stage. The theatre is so quiet now. Lights dim and disappear one by one. The shuffle of feet grows distant, conversations are drowned out, lost in the faint ambient rumble of London's traffic outside. The theatre becomes a cocoon – or is it a coffin? She cannot decide yet.

When their rehearsal was done nobody noticed her frozen in her glass box. She was amused at first, watching them as if someone removed from life was watching those left alive toil and carry on with their myriad of silly preoccupations. It was laughable – everyone so captivated by Sigrid. Klaus, of course, probably more worried about his lead falling apart under the pressure of the tabloids than the glamour of his star. 

Nobody thought of her then. She was not a worry. She is reliable. Old. Practically part of the set! She should not feel so calm about this. She has the right to be bitter, but it all has begun to seem petty to her. _Laughable._

It is unimportant. She could feel the fight leave her, but it was almost a moment of clarity when it did. This is not about her. Or rather, not about her ownership of Sigrid. Sigrid, the role. Why did she hold on to it for so long? She had been silly, expecting Jo-Ann to be what she had been. 

But then – Val loved Jo-Ann's youth and intensity. Maria is still jealous of that. 

Val had also fought hard for Helena, however. Val had felt – what? - a compassion for Helena when she herself could not. Or had it been compassion for her? Seeing Maria struggle with the role of a woman who she could not feel pity for. She had fought the role, fought Val because every time she tried to become Helena her feelings revolted. It had been impossible. 

There was too much tied up in this play, this part for it to be easy. She should have expected as much. Wilhelm, Rosa, grief, Henryk, passion, revulsion, frustrated love, revenge, fame, vanity – all of her life, her foundations. It was a mistake to say yes. It was frustrating to feel and to not make herself understood to Val. How could Val understand a life lived – _her life?_

Yes, she had lashed out. Lashed out like a wounded animal, again and again. She should have just hit a wall when she had felt like it. Like some hot-headed young stud, ready to break his hand over his feelings.

She had been wrong to take it out on Val. Unable to stop her herself. She'd been unreasonable. Val had been right to leave. 

What had Val said? When Helena leaves she does not die. She disappears. 

The house lights turn off - and for a moment Maria longs to stay in this darkness, this nothing. It feels strangely apt. A comment. A full stop.

“Wait! I am still here!”

\---

In this dream the fog clears. The Maloja snake winds back through the valleys as if sucked in by some divine breath, returning to its point of origin. Time winding back to start anew.

Maria stands on a precipice, looking down onto the lake and the retreating clouds. Warmth spreads through her body as the sun rests on her back. She feels hopeful, relieved. 

“Maria?” 

Maria turns towards the voice. “Val?” 

Valentine emerges, as if born from the drifting clouds below, looking up at her expectantly. “Did you see it? The Maloja snake!” 

“Yes! I am sorry! Wait for me!” Maria shouts and hurries to find her way down to where Val stands in the tendrils of the snake.


End file.
